Prolonged Winter Finally Breaks Spirit of Minnesotans: Iowa Immigration Rates Soar

Traffic is backed up to Albert Lea, as Minnesotans immigrate to Iowa.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa – Like a scene out of Field of Dreams, an endless line of cars stretches southbound down I-35 across the Iowa-Minnesota border.

“Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa.”

As an unprecedented  late, snowy winter continues to bear down on the state of Minnesota, immigration rates into its southern neighbor, Iowa, have soared.

“I never thought I’d say this, but I just can’t do anymore ice fishing. I’m sick of it,” said former Bemidji resident, Jon Larsensen. “I had my fishing boat all prepped and ready, but I finally gave up hope that the ice would ever go out.”

Other Minnesotans had similar feelings. Some, in fact, to the extreme. Eyewitness reports have shown a serious uptick in “cabin fever” behavior including,

• Lake residents decked out in swim trunks and swimsuits, laying on inner tubes on the frozen lake ice.
• Men and women tending to gardens that are covered in six inches or more of snow.
• Unusually dour Facebook posts from these stalwart Minnesotans who typically boast of snowfalls topping 12 inches.

Instead of its usual “Welcome Spring” festival, one town in southwest Minnesota even held a sweater-burning bonfire.

As a result, the great exodus has begun. Iowans, taken by surprise by this influx of people who wear wool socks with their sandals, have now embraced the former Minnesotans.

Many Iowans have Minnesota family members who have fled the state, and are now being housed by their southern relatives. “We’ve been doing great,” said Janet Learmont, who’s been hosting her Minnesota family for two weeks. “For awhile they kept asking me for a ‘hot dish’ for dinner, and my kids have no idea what, ‘Duck, duck, gray duck’ is, but we’re slowly learning to speak the same language.”

For those without family members in Iowa, state officials have created Minnesotan refugee camps in several state parks.

Minnesotan refugees enjoying the 50 degree weather and new surroundings in Iowa.

“I love it here. I haven’t been tent camping in 10 months. I still haven’t found a lake, but I’m loving this green grass,” said Kirsten Norgeven, a resident of one of the refugee camps.

While the immigration process has mostly been smooth, there have been a few isolated incidents of naked Minnesotans frolicking through Iowa farm fields, basking in the 50 degree weather.

“We had a few wild ones, but handing out shorts and t-shirts at the border seemed to nip that in the bud,” said Iowa State Trooper John Young.

In order to help Minnesotan refugees adapt to their new state, volunteers from several Iowa non-profits are offering classes. They include:

• “Recreation Without Lakes: 101 Ideas for Summer Fun in Iowa”
• “From Here to Dere: Learning the ‘Th’ sound.”
• “Combating Humidity: When Iowa Weather Makes You Sweat”
• “Enough Already: Learning to Make Jokes about a State Other Than Iowa”

The future looks bright – and warm – for these Minnesotan refugees. And up north? The Twins are playing to a cold, empty stadium.

A poor showing for yet another Twins game this season.